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Truely Tasteless Jokes ...

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Jack was at the country club for his weekly round of golf and what a round it was: he began with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on two. On three, he scored his first hole-in-one. Then his cell phone rang. It was his doctor. "Your wife has been in a terrible accident and is in critical condition in the ICU." "I'll be there as soon as possible!" Jack said. But as he hung up, he realized this might just the best round of golf of his life. "Maybe just a couple more holes wouldn't hurt," he thought. By the time he finished the eighteenth hole, he had shattered the club record with a 61! Although jubilant, he also felt guilty about ignoring his wife. He dashed into the hospital and found the doctor in the corridor. "Doc! I got here as fast as I could. How is she?" The doctor glared at him. "You bastard! You finished your round of golf, didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out there enjoying yourself, Annie has languished in the ICU! For the rest of her life, she's going to require fulltime medical care ...from you!" Jack felt so guilty that he broke down in tears. The doctor snickered. "Nah, just kidding! She died two hours ago. How'd you shoot?"

------------------------------

A little old lady asked to join a biker's club. The head biker was amused, but asked if she was prepared to meet certain biker membership requirements. She was. "Do you have a motorcycle?" "Yep. My bike's parked over there." "Do you drink?" "Yep. I drink like a fish." "Do you smoke?" "Yep. Like a chimney!" The biker was impressed. "Last question: have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thought a moment and replied, "No, but once I was swung around by the nipples!"
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
During the 1950's, a pair of British brothers were riding across
Europe in a sleeping compartment on a train. One of the brothers was
extremely hard of hearing, so when there was a knock on the door, the
other brother
answered. Standing there was a very proper gentleman, all dressed in
white, including a bowler hat, shoes and spats.
"How may I help you?", inquired the brother. "Well, it seems they
have over-booked the compartments, and I was wondering if you might be
good enough to share yours." "WHAT?", said the hearing impaired
brother. "HE WANTS TO SHARE OUR COMPARTMENT!!" "Oh, jolly good, jolly
good."
The conversation between them continued, and the brother said,
"Might I ask what you do for a living?" "Of course," replied the
gentleman. "I've just retired from 25 years in Her Majesty's Service."
"WHAT?" "HE'S JUST RETIRED FROM HER MAJESTY'S SERVICE!" "Oh, jolly good,
jolly good."
'How interesting! Where did you serve, if you don't mind my
asking?" The gentleman replied, "Most of the time, I was stationed in
Calcutta, India." "Really!", said the brother. "You didn't happen to
know a Millicent Chumley-Smith, did you?" The gentleman smiled and said,
"Ah, Millicent! Best piece of ass and blow job I ever had!" "WHAT?"
"HE SAYS HE KNOWS MOTHER!!"
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks 'Do you do custom work?'

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right
thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on
the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and
examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.'
With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the
street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you
know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not
sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is
definitely Willie Nelson!'
 
P

Pigtails

Guest
Geez, Doc, where are you coming up with all these cool jokes? :yum: Guess I'll go to my "blonde jokes" and post.. :yankchain:
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
PT, I'm on a few joke mailing lists. :thumb:

-------


Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

"Do you wash?" the doc asked the rank young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash
down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and wash up as far up
as possible."

"Well," the doc concluded, "go home and wash possible."

----------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was walking down the high street when
she was stopped by a man who was carrying out
a survey.

"Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on
peoples' attitudes towards sex."

"Really!" said the woman smiling.

"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on
the television?"

"Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable,
especially when you've got a vase stuck up your arse!"
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
The instructor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast or
testicles when a female student asked another male student and me if we
ever got an erection while we did self- examination of our testicles.
We answered that it was possible that we had. You know, you don't
really want everyone to know when you get aroused. She then asked, "What
do you do about it?" We said in unison, "Nothing, why?" She then say,
"You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?" We said no way! She
then states, "You mean a man's penis will go down without having an
orgasm?" We both said yes. At which time she says, "I'm going to kill my
husband!"
 
P

Pigtails

Guest
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique up on it.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They take the psycho path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho cheese

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate clauses

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled milk

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A nervous wreck

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone can roast beef. Can you pea soup?

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right where you left him!

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because it scares the dog.

18. What Kind of Coffee Was Served on the Titanic?
Sanka

19. What Is the Difference Between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The location of the dirt bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because they wore their belt buckle on their hat.

21. What's the Difference Between a Bad Golfer and a Bad Skydiver?
A bad golfer goes whack, dang!
And a bad skydiver goes dang! whack!

22. How Are a Texas Tornado and a Tennessee Divorce the Same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!

:yum:
 

Doc

Bottoms Up
Staff member
GOLD Site Supporter
Boudreaux was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

She whispers, "Twenty dollars."

He'd never been with a hooker before but he decides what the hell, it's only
twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a while when all of a
sudden a light
flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," Boudreaux answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," Boudreaux says, "neither did I until you shined that light in her
face.."
 
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