Diary of A Newly Arrived Michiganian

DEC 8 5 P.M. IT'S STARTED TO SNOW. THE FIRST OF THE SEASON AND THE WIFE AND I TOOK OUR COCKTAILS AND SAT DOWN BY THE WINDOW WATCHING THE SOFT FLAKES DRIFT DOWN ALL OVER THE AREA. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL!

DEC 9 WE AWOKE TO A BIG BEAUTIFUL BLANKET OF CRYSTAL WHITE SNOW COVERING THE LANDSCAPE. WHAT A FANTASTIC SIGHT! I SHOVELED SNOW FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS AND LOVED IT. I DID BOTH OUR DRIVEWAY AND THE SIDEWALK. LATER THE SNOWPLOW CAME BY AND COVERED UP OUR SIDEWALK WITH COMPACTED SNOW FROM THE STREET. SO I SHOVELED IT AGAIN.

DEC 12 THE SUN HAS MELTED ALL OF OUR LOVELY SNOW. OH WELL, I'M SURE WE WILL GET SOME MORE BEFORE THIS LOVELY WINTER IS OVER.

DEC 14 IT SNOWED 8 INCHES LAST NIGHT AND TEMPERATURES DROPPED TO 20 DEGREES BELOW ZERO. SHOVELED THE DRIVEWAY AND THE SIDEWALK AGAIN, AND THE SNOWPLOW CAME BY AND DID IT'S TRICK AGAIN.

DEC 15 SOLD MY VAN AND BOUGHT A 4X4 BLAZER SO I CAN DRIVE IN THE SNOW. BOUGHT SNOW TIRES FOR MY WIFE'S CAR.

DEC 16 FELL ON MY ASS ON THE ICE IN THE DRIVEWAY. ALL THAT WAS HURT WERE MY FEELINGS.

DEC 17 STILL COLD (BELOW ZERO IN THE AM) AND ICY ROADS MAKE FOR VERY TOUGH DRIVING.

DEC 20 HAD ANOTHER 14 INCHES OF THE WHITE SHIT LAST NIGHT. MORE SHOVELING IN STORE FOR ME TODAY. THAT GODDAMN SNOWPLOW CAME BY TWICE.

DEC 22 WE ARE ASSURED OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS BECAUSE 13 MORE INCHES OF THE WHITE SHIT FELL TODAY. AND WITH THIS FREEZING TEMPERATURE, IT WON'T MELT TILL AUGUST. GOT ALL DRESSED UP TO GO OUT AND SHOVEL, (BOOTS, SNOW MOBILE SUIT, SCARF, EARMUFFS, GLOVES, ETC.) AND I GOT THE URGE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM SOON AS I GOT OUTSIDE.

DEC 24 IF I EVER CATCH THE SON-OF-A-BITCH THAT DRIVES THAT SNOWPLOW, I'LL DRAG HIM THROUGH THE SNOW BY HIS BALLS. I THINK HE HIDES AROUND THE CORNER AND WAITS FOR ME TO FINISH SHOVELING. THEN HE COMES FLYING DOWN THE STREET GOING 100 MILES AN OUR AND THROWS WHITE SHIT ALL OVER WHAT USED TO BE MY LAWN.

DEC 25 MERRY CHRISTMAS! THEY PREDICT 28 MORE INCHES OF THAT F***ING WHITE STUFF TONIGHT. DO THEY KNOW HOW MANY SHOVELS FULL OF SNOW 28 INCHES IS? TO HELL WITH SANTA CLAUS. HE DOESN'T HAVE TO SHOVEL THAT WHITE SHIT. THE SNOWPLOW DRIVER CAME BY ASKING FOR A DONATION. I HIT HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH THE GOD DAMNED SNOW SHOVEL.

DEC 26 WE GOT 28 INCHES AND THEN SOME. I MUST BE GOING SNOW BLIND OR HAVE A SEVERE CASE OF CABIN FEVER, BECAUSE MY WIFE IS STARTING TO LOOK GOOD TO ME.

DEC 27 THE TOILET FROZE. IF YOU GO OUTSIDE, DON'T EAT THE BROWN SNOW.

DEC 28 I SET FIRE TO THE HOUSE. NOW THAT WHITE SHIT WON'T CLING TO THE ROOF.

DEC 29 MOVED TO FLORIDA.