"In depth" love question

My parent were married for forty plus years.

Mom passed away three years ago, I was lucky enough to fly up for one day and spend eight hours with her at the hospital, and I was the one who got to tell the doctors at two am to take her off "life support" and watch her die (my father couldn't "make the decision" and be in the same room with her).

For what it's worth, I'm an only child.

Dad is seventy four years old, lives by himself up in Pa.

Dad is still very active, still on the town council, works part time at a fly fishing shop, golfs regularly, bowls regularly, and heads out to Montana to fly fish every year.

When I spent the last eight hours with my mom, we talked about my dad. Both my mom and I knew her chances of living were not very good. She told to to watch out for him, and she wondered how he was going to "make it" without her.

After she passed away, I seriously thought he wouldn't make it past the first year.

Well, he's doing pretty good, and he likes spending time with my wife and me. The house we bought is large enough for him to move in with us, without us "getting in each others hair" so to speak. After two years dad is actually talking about coming down to be with us.

What I'm questioning is the fact that I'm trying to play "matchmaker" for my father. Met a nice lady who does voulenteer (sp?) work, about the same age, and seems pretty fit (shouldn't matter, but dad was always "one on the go" and that's what he loved about mom).

Got alot of myself from my father. He was a "lifer" in the military, been all over the world, retiered (sp?) from "two other jobs" and isn't afraid of trying somthing new (he's one of the few guys I know that drives a convertable and "blasts" his polkas while at a stop light).

Anyone here ever been in the same situation?

I'm feeling guilty because I knew how much my mother loved both my father and myself, and here I am trying to "set him up" with someone else.

I'm feeling like I'm trying to "destroy" the memories that my father had with my mother.

I know my mom wants best for my father, and I know he dosen't have the opportunity to meet another woman in the area he lives that likes the same things he dose (such a big band music or traveling).

Again, anyone here ever go throught the same "thing".

Any thougths would be appreciative (sp?).

Thks

I wished I was in your situation.. My mom is the one who does not want to meet someone else and spends most of her time feeling lonely and guilting that my dad is not around to share in her outings. She has a hard time letting herself enjoy life without him. In my opinion she is wasting the time she had left on this planet, sulking.


If I was in your shoes, I would be thrilled that your Dad is open to meeting someone to make the most out of the time he has remaining on this earth. Think about what your mom would want for your dad. I know if something happened to me, the last thing I would want my wife to do is waste away the rest of her time live not living life and all it has to offer.

Life is for the living. It is time that he consider moving on with his life and it is statistically better that he will live longer if he is involved with someone. No one will take the place of you mother and his first wife, but a second wife will bring happiness and joy into his life again. The only thing that I recommend is that if he has a sizable estate, that he have a prenuptial agreement well crafted by a competent attorney to protect his interests if the second marriage doesn't work out.

My Mom buried my Dad, Bill Horner, when he was just 47 years old (she was 43, and I was 15, also an only child). It took her about 3 years to become active again. A couple of years later, she married Harold Stuckey. She had a wonderful 17 years with him, but he died at about age 70 (she was 65). A couple of years later, she met and married Bill Christie. Bill was only 82 at the time, loved to travel and dance. Mom had 13 great years with him when she buried him; he was 95 and she was 81. She didn't manage to hook another one; she was still single when she passed away at age 87, about 6 years ago.

I know she and my Dad loved each other, but she just wasn't destined to live alone. I admired both of my stepfathers, and I'd hate to think about what her life would have been like without them.

You might think you have something to do with it, but you don't. The most you can do is put them into proximity of each other; they'll take care of the rest of it in whatever manner suits them.

{EDIT} I just read Junk's post, and I agree. Harold didn't have a lot when they married, and they were both relatively young, and what he had when he died, they had earned together. So, there was no pre-nup involved. But, Bill C. was much older, completely retired, and what he had, had been earned previously. And, he had a lot, plus he had 4 children and scads of grandchildren. My Mom had no problem with a pre-nup, and Bill was pretty generous. In addition to their home, car and such, he left her the income from a substantial amount of investment, with the capital reverting to his family upon her death. That's the way it should be.

God Bless you for making the hard decision. My father died Jan 1 2004. I miss him and I was not there when he died. Got there about 10 minutes later. There was no decision that he was not part of........no life support.

As for your Dad, I agree with the poster before me, put them in touch and leave it alone, they can figure it out. My mom has not dated, will not, but not because of Dad, she is 84 and not in good health. Did not realize how not in good health till this past weekend when we had everyone over.

As for any assets, we have already done the biggest part of that, Mom gave 3 kids a share in the home we grew up in. The rest is all safe.

OkeeDon,

I would bet your mother was one wonderful lady, and probably hard to keep up with. I had never heard of the way Bill C. had worked out for her on the retirement, that was really cool of him.

Don't think I could add any more to what has already been posted! Head the advice. Protect what he's has already accumulated and allow him to enjoy the remainder of his years. His happiness is something your mom lived for. Respect that. Don't go out of your way to find that mate though. Things happen the way they're supposed to! Don't feel bad either about your wanting him to have some sense of substance in his life. Just don't force feed him. Your dad sounds like a very fortunate man. You and your mom should be proud!!!!

i
I really have nothing to add either, except I support what the guys have said. Since I've no experience in something like this, I don't feel qualified to offer any suggestions, that's why I hadn't posted earlier. But what has been said is the way I'd handle it myself. Good Luck in all you do in this. Maybe if you put yourself in the same position it would help you think it out. Obviously you care a lot about your Dad, and that ain't bad either.

My mom passed away about 4 years ago now. It was not expected she had just been to the doctor and had a clean bill of health. She had whats called a "Silent Heart Attack" which typically no one knows they have it but it leads to a massive heart attach within two weeks.

Anyway I didn't think my dad was going to make it. They were married 47 years together and I expected a phone call at anytime with the message that dad commited suicide. When we would stop over even after 9 months he spent the time crying and I just never thought he would come out of it. He missed mom really bad.

About the year mark I got a call from dad and he had some news for me. He was crying and could not get out what he was trying to say. Finally he got it out. He told me he had a girlfriend. He wanted my approval and he got it. Wow, it was like someone flipped a light switch. My dad has been so happy since he meet this girl. His life is like it is starting all over again.

I would not force anyone on your dad but making one or two available would not hurt either. If he is ready, it will happen.

Good luck


murph

My 87 year old father in law has a girl friend that is the same age as his daughter...... my wife.