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Tidbits AKA Groaners

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Doc

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I'm happiest when I'm wasting time and money.
Maybe it's time to run for congress!
 

Doc

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One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Just do it!"
 

Doc

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A husband tells his wife,
"Since it is your birthday, remember that yellow Lamborghini that you really wanted?".
The wife screams in joy and starts crying tears of joy.
Then the husband says, "Well I got you a toothbrush, same color".
 

loboloco

Well-known member
A husband tells his wife,
"Since it is your birthday, remember that yellow Lamborghini that you really wanted?".
The wife screams in joy and starts crying tears of joy.
Then the husband says, "Well I got you a toothbrush, same color".
And he should be out of the hospital in a week or ten days.
 

Doc

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A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
 

Doc

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"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
- Johnny Carson
 

Doc

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Redneck Vocabulary Words
Bawl: You gotta bawl that water fo’ you put in the egg.
Own: Turn them lights own.
Nekkid: There he was nekkid as a jaybird.
Hep: “HEP! There’s a far!”
Shevuhlay: I got me a new shevuhlay pickup!
Tar: He got him a flat tar!
Uhmurkin: We’s uhmurkin, born and raised in the United States of Uhmurka!
 

road squawker

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Redneck Vocabulary Words
Bawl: You gotta bawl that water fo’ you put in the egg.
Own: Turn them lights own.
Nekkid: There he was nekkid as a jaybird.
Hep: “HEP! There’s a far!”
Shevuhlay: I got me a new shevuhlay pickup!
Tar: He got him a flat tar!
Uhmurkin: We’s uhmurkin, born and raised in the United States of Uhmurka!


I'll be honest, I now live in W Tn, and there are a LOT of people that I just can't understand.
I hear things that kinda, maybe, perhaps might be english words.
 

Doc

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My doctor told me that the lever on the side of my recliner,
is not an exercise machine. :(
 

Doc

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I was going to get up to go running this morning,
However my toes out voted me 10-1.
 

Doc

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An Northerner was visiting Apex NC. He approached a local person and asked, "What's the quickest way to Charlotte?"
The local, scratched his head, "Are ya walkin' er drivin'?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving," said the stranger.
"Well, that's the quickest way."
 

Doc

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With age comes wisdom.
Huh?
Apparently wisdom weights 40 lbs.
 

Doc

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I really need to get into shape.
I realized today that if I was murdered,
my chalk outline would be a circle.
 

Doc

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The boss over heard an employee singing during work and it sounded awful. He asked, "Is that in the key of L?"
Puzzled, the employee says, "Key of L? I'm not really sure?"
The boss replies, "Well it sure sounds like L to me!"
 

Doc

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My mouth is like a magician's hat.
You never know what is going to come out of it.
 

Doc

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I took my family to visit the AIR & SPACE museum...
But there was nothing there!
 

Doc

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My days are backwards I wake up tired
And go to bed wide awake.
 

Doc

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Isn't it funny that during a political campaign.
The air is full of speeches and vice versa?
 

Doc

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I was struggling to figure out how lightning works
then it struck me.
 

Doc

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I have a buddy who drinks brake fluid,
He says that he can stop anytime he wants.
 

Doc

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All my life I thought air was free,
until I bought a bag of chips at Walmart.
 

Doc

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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I can't put it down.
 

Doc

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WORD FOR THE DAY:
Retreat (adj.) —
To get another piece of candy.
 

Danang Sailor

nullius in verba
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Definition -- Gun Control:
According to Danang Sailor - The Weaver Stance :thumb:
According to Senator Feinstein - Confiscating all civilian firearms and destroying them :hammer:

Definition -- Assault Weapon:
According to Danang Sailor - Null -- there is no such thing possessed by the military of any country anywhere in the world :thumb:
According to Senator Feinstein - Any semiautomatic firearm that superficially resembles the fully automatic long arm of any military anywhere in the world :hammer:

Definition -- Silencer:
According to Danang Sailor - An erroneous name for what is in reality a suppressor. They do not "silence" a firearm but simply lower the decibel level by about 30%. :thumb:
According to Senator Feinstein - A device that completely eliminates any sound from a firearm, making them more dangerous to police officers :hammer:

Please feel free to add to this list!
Mods: Move this if you think it should be somewhere else.


 

Doc

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I was working in the yard one day when my dog ran up. In his mouth was the carcass of some creature, I couldn’t tell what. Whatever it was, it stunk to high heaven!
Apparently this did not phase the dog, he commenced to “dig in” and enjoy this foul feast.
Just about then, my neighbor dropped by and saw what the dog was doing. “You better stop him!” he said.
“Why?” I asked.
“You don’t know what that is, it might kill him!” he exclaimed.
I considered this for a moment, and decided he might be right. So I went over to take “it” away from the dog.
The dog was having none of this. First he growled to keep me away. Then he simply grabbed the mess and ran, just far enough, and started “dining” again. After a few attempts like this, I gave up.
So anyway, after a bit, he had eaten the entire thing and lay down to rest. My neighbor and I, not knowing what else to do, just watched him. All was well for about 10 minutes, when suddenly he started letting out the rankest farts I’ve ever smelled! Both my neighbor and I had to go to the other side of the yard to escape!
Anyway, after a few minutes, the dog, farting almost continuously now, began running around in circles! We didn’t know quite what to make of this, and so just kept watching. About ten to fifteen minutes later, the dog stopped and simply fell over on the ground!
“Is he dead?” asked my neighbor.
I went over to him, and saw he was still breathing and did not seem to be in any distress.
I turned to my neighbor and said, “No, I think he just ran out of gas.”
 

Doc

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Fastest way to mess up someone's knock knock joke.
"Come in it's open"
 

Doc

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What do cannibals call athletes?
Fast food!

Why don't cannibals eat clowns......They taste funny!
 

Doc

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Frosty the snowman was spotted looking through the carrot bin at the local supermarket...

He was picking his nose.
 
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