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Bamby
08-20-2009, 08:49 PM
Where's the thread on drinking jokes. The jokes are always welcome anywhere and everywhere bottles are broken open. I'll start with this one though probably not the best it's O.K.


SUMBICH!!!!

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.


Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters, and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'


The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.


The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.


Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'


'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.


The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'


No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.


The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'


Again Leroy said no.


Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'


Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

Bamby
08-21-2009, 08:26 AM
Today's survival tip:
Next time you are too drunk to drive,
Walk to the nearest Pizza place,
Place an order,
And when they go to deliver it,
Catch a ride home with them.

Update on today's survival tip:
When catching a lift with the delivery guy give him the long directions
home - after 45mins you will get the pizza and the lift for free.

Bamby
08-21-2009, 08:29 AM
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and
orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a
corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over,
looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and
I saw her in the hallway buck naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and
would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad
but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says....................











'Grandpa;....... Go home!
You're drunk.'

Bamby
08-21-2009, 08:33 AM
The other night I had another fishing comp. As you know the "one drink with the boys" usually turn into a couple and you forget about the time.

Well I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily and one fishing story became better than the previous one.

Around 3 a.m., a "bit" loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her 'MIDNIGHT'... she didn't seem p*ssed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh!#$.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'

Bamby
08-21-2009, 08:42 AM
A cowboy was sitting at the bar when a gorgeous woman came in and sat down beside him.

She asked him if he was a real cowboy.

He answered that he thought he was since he road the range all day, branded the cattle, mended the fences and went on cattle drives.

The woman said that she was a lesbian. All she did all day was dream of naked women. She thought of naked women when she was in the shower, walking down the street, driving in her car. Where ever she was that was all she thought about.

Several hours later an old couple sat down beside the cowboy. The lady asked the cowboy if he was a real cowboy.

He replied that he used to think he was a real cowboy but had just found out that he was a lesbian.

Rusty Shackleford
08-21-2009, 09:12 AM
GOOD ONES!!

Bamby
08-26-2009, 08:18 PM
SOMETIMES YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE!

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes

To the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'

He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.

'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

Bamby
08-26-2009, 08:25 PM
A man goes to a bar with his dog.

He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh man, the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua.

The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink.

The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

Bamby
08-26-2009, 08:32 PM
Rusty maybe you can explain this,

It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why people spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning.
The reason for this odd behavior is based on Einstein's famous Relativity Theory. It works like this: it is a well known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move. After about 8 beers (or 4 double brandies & coke, etc), you're moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture. According to his Relativity Theory, any body moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub.

Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass outside the pub. A typical situation is: "OK guys, it's 8 O'clock, I'm gonna surprise the family and get home early!!" However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation from the environment, and he/she then goes: "Why is it so quiet?? Holy sh!t!!! It's half past one!! WHAT HAPPENED???!!??" .and the answer, of course, is Time Dilation!!

I've tried to explain this to outside observers, but so far nobody (except fellow time travelers) has been able or willing to understand the sound scientific basis of this phenomenon.

Please forward this to all your known time travelers - maybe we can prove this theory by sheer, overwhelming force of numbers.

Bamby
08-26-2009, 08:43 PM
Larry and Scott wanted to go out drinking, but they only had R2.00 between them.
Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went to the butcher shop next door and came out with one large sausage.
Scott said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all".
Larry replied, "Don't worry just follow me".
They went into a pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels ..
Scott said, "Now you have lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't any money to pay for this!"
Larry replied with a smile, "Don't worry I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.
Larry said "Ok, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get
down on your knees and put it in your mouth."
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk - all for free.
At the tenth bar, Scott said, " Larry - I don't think I can do this
anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"
LARRY SAID, "HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? I LOST THE SAUSAGE AT THE THIRD BAR!"

Rusty Shackleford
08-27-2009, 09:04 AM
Rusty maybe you can explain this,

It turns out that there's a scientific and logical explanation for why people spend so much time in pubs and only get home in the early hours of the morning.
The reason for this odd behavior is based on Einstein's famous Relativity Theory. It works like this: it is a well known fact that the more you drink, the faster you move. After about 8 beers (or 4 double brandies & coke, etc), you're moving at close to the speed of light, and this is where Einstein enters the picture. According to his Relativity Theory, any body moving at, or close to the speed of light, undergoes Time Dilation, i.e. time for you in the pub passes slower than for an observer outside the pub.

Complicated calculations have shown that the pub becomes a type of time machine:- for every half-hour spent inside the pub, something like two hours pass outside the pub. A typical situation is: "OK guys, it's 8 O'clock, I'm gonna surprise the family and get home early!!" However, the moment this person steps outside the pub, the time travel effect is negated by negative radiation from the environment, and he/she then goes: "Why is it so quiet?? Holy sh!t!!! It's half past one!! WHAT HAPPENED???!!??" .and the answer, of course, is Time Dilation!!

I've tried to explain this to outside observers, but so far nobody (except fellow time travelers) has been able or willing to understand the sound scientific basis of this phenomenon.

Please forward this to all your known time travelers - maybe we can prove this theory by sheer, overwhelming force of numbers.

sounds about right to me :w00t2:

Bamby
08-31-2009, 05:35 PM
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says,

'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings '

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully,

'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ...'


The bear, very angry now, says,


'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'


The bartender says,


'Sorry, we don't serve beer to Belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings '

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.


The bartender states,


'Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'


The bear looks at him quizzically and says,

Im not on drugs.'



(Youre gonna love me for this...)






The bartender says,
'You are now.
That was a barbitchyouate